Nicodemus (nicodemusrat) wrote,

Yesterday's Commute


"... so c'mon down to Lexus Chevrolet GM Hummer Infiniti Mercedes of Burlinton to get a great deal on a new '05 Chevy the Hutt! Now with cargo capacity for your whole family, plus the dog, plus the cat, plus your neighbors, plus the kitchen sink and fridge!"

"Only half of one vehicle available at the advertised price. 'MPG' on stickers refers to 'meters per gallon'. MSRPVINCDGMACPDQ."

*upbeat music cue*

"Well, it's time now for a traffic update, here on KARZ 'all news but mostly traffic these days'. So we start off with Julie at the brige."

"Well, Steve, the good news is that the toll plaza is clear this morning. Almost no traffic to get onto the bridge."

"Thanks, Julie. Now we turn to our eye in the sky, 'air four', with the latest on the peninsula commute."

"Traffic's moving smoothly on the major peninsula freeways. Expect no major delays travelling up or down."

"Good news. Finally, we turn to Margie, who's got the latest on the central freeway which everyone has to drive on to get to work."

"Steve, unfortunately we do have some traffic here, down at the major interchange. It looks like, proceeding southbound, a car managed to hit a motorcycle, a minivan, a big-rig, the median, and a light pole. This pile-up is blocking all southbound lanes, most northbound lanes, several interchange ramps, and --because of flying debris-- nearby streets."

"Uh-oh! That doesn't sound like a good commute."

"That's right, Steve. Additionally, the big-rig tanker was evidently carrying lighter fluid and the fallen light pole has now ignited it. The entire freeway is basically covered with a huge bonfire of twisted vehicles. People have started abandoning their cars and fleeing on foot."

"Well, that's not..."

"Also, evidently, a great crack has opened in the earth and demons are swarming out and consuming the souls of the motorists, pulling the screaming masses down into an ever-widening pit of Hell amid the rising fires and the backdrop of the gibbering, howling throng trying to escape their doom."

", uh, avoid the area?"

"I'd suggest alternate routes, if there were any. Back to you, Steve!"

"Thanks, Margie. Try not to lose your soul! Ha ha! Now, turning to the weather forecast..."


Damn. Not again.

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